The day is seared into my brain

It was Thursday, May 8, 2014.  By that point I felt his anger might grow to  physical violence and I knew it was time to give him the choice to stay (and repent) or to leave. He chose to leave. And even though he had been abusive, contemptuous, and callous to all my feelings, even though he had cheated on me time and again, I still hoped he would change back into the sweet and kind man I thought I had married. Unfortunately, he did not change. He just started acting out even more. One day I will probably hear that he was either shot by a jealous husband or died of an STD.

But now I am making my own life, surrounded by family and friends who love me for me, unconditionally. There are so many take aways from my experience and I want to list a few of them here:

• Jesus will always love me. His Grace will save me, heal my hurts, and bind up my broken heart.
• Be kind. Everyone is suffering in some way. 
• Be patient, with myself and others. Grieving is a long process and doesn't have a time limit.
• Be real. Tell others how I feel and not ignore moments for meaningful conversations.
• Be trusting. This is a tough one, but I am getting better at it. 
• Be skeptical. If something feels wrong in a relationship, listen to my feelings and follow up.

These are just a few of the many lessons learned. Perhaps the most difficult lesson is learning that just because I am a good girl and keep the commandments, life isn't going to be easy. It's hard! It's discouraging and depressing! But there is joy in the journey and I know I can make it with Jesus leading me along. 

Another Big D: Death

My daddy died this weekend.

Papa with his newest grand baby, June 2015.

We all knew it was coming. He broke his leg in a fall a month ago. But that isn't what killed him. It was the irresponsible care in hospital that led to him developing a fever and pneumonia. They also did not feed him on a regular schedule because of his swallowing problems. My mother may press for medical malpractice lawsuit, but she likely won't succeed against the healthcare conglomerate of Intermountain Health Care. Fortunately, once we knew he wasn't going to make it, he came home and was able to live out his final days with his family surrounding him. He left this life knowing he was loved and cared for. It was a bittersweet experience for all of us.

Some thoughts on citizenship, naturalization, and divorce....

As most of you know, my dissertation is about citizenship and its practices by nineteenth-century Americans. Naturally, I have done a lot of reading about how one acquires citizenship, and especially how women and foreigners acquired citizenship. 

A few fun facts about citizenship in the good old USA--and when I say "citizenship" I don't mean just voting rights. Obviously voting rights are an important feature of citizenship today, but in the 19th C the two were not synonymous. 

In the early days of the republic, only those who owned property could vote--and surprisingly, this included some white women (and mostly in New England). However, by 1810-ish, all these female property owners lost their voting rights. Interestingly enough, they still had to pay taxes. So this left women as second-class citizens. They could belong to the nation, but not contribute their voices into how it was run. This left just the white, wealthy male property-owners running things. However, by 1840, all white men over the age of 21 had the vote in almost every state and territory. 

Of course, no people of color of either gender had any voting rights in antebellum America; even free African Americans were excluded, thanks to supreme court cases like Dred Scott v. Sanford (1857). However, access to citizenship expanded for white women before the Civil War. If foreign born (and white) they could obtain derivative citizenship their husbands who were birthright or naturalized citizens. And it was quite easy for white men to obtain citizenship. They just had to establish residency and swear an oath of allegiance. 

That all changed after the Civil War, especially in the late 19th and early 20th century. Xenophobia was at its peak with immigration from Southern and Eastern Europe. The older settlers thought the nation was going to change color and religion. Quotas were put in place to restrict the flow of immigrants. This cartoon from Puck clearly demonstrates the xenophobia of the time. 

White, native-born women, who married foreigners, LOST their citizenship! Apparently, such women could not be loyal to their home nation before their husbands, so they purportedly became subjects to their husbands' ruler or monarch. 

Not all women, however, were accepted as subjects in their husbands' homeland and many women became stateless beings. Horrible, I know! It wasn't until the 1922 Cable Act or "Married Women's Independent Nationality Act" that some of the law was repealed; and the after effects for those women and their children were felt well into the 1990s. 

For me this is all very interesting as a feminist, but also because I did marry (and divorce) a foreigner, a subject of the Kingdom of Tonga. Fortunately for me I did NOT lose my citizenship when we married and I still have it now that we are divorced. Luckily for him, he was able to legitimize his residence in the USA when we married and filed the necessary paperwork. (And by the way, all the fees were paid by me out of my 401K that I cashed out! GRRR, still makes me angry that I was so gullible and willing to do that for him.) And unfortunately, even though we are now divorced, I am still responsible for him financially via the Affidavit of Support, I-864. Only way to remove that is by him repatriating to Tonga or by his death. 

HOWEVER, I did find out something that made this deplorable situation a little easier to bear. The X can NEVER, EVER become a citizen through my sponsorship--even though he is now a legal resident. Not even if he marries another US citizen! (Thank you Lady Liberty!)

Here is how USCIS policy in legal jargon:

Divorce or Annulment​

​

A person’s marital status may be terminated by a judicial divorce or by an annulment.​ ​A divorce or annulment breaks the marital relationship. ​The applicant is no longer the spouse of a U.S. citizen if the marriage is terminated by ​a divorce or annulment​. ​Accordingly, such​ a​n applicant ​is in​eligible​to naturalize​ as the spouse of a U.S. citizen if ​the ​divorce or annulment​ occur​s​ before or after the ​naturalization application is filed​.

...

When a marriage is terminated by divorce, the termination is entered by the court ​with jurisdiction ​and is documented by a copy of the final divorce decree.​ USCIS determines ​the validity of a divorce by examining whether the ​state or country which granted the divorce ​properly assumed jurisdiction over the divorce proceeding.​ ​USCIS ​also determines whether ​the parties follow​ed​ the proper legal formalities required by the state or country in which the divorce was obtained to determine if the divorce is legally binding. ​In all cases, the divorce must be final.​

​

An applicant’s ineligibility ​for naturalization as the spouse of a U.S. citizen ​due to ​the ​death of​ the citizen spouse​ or ​to ​divorce is not cured ​by the​ subsequent marriage to another U.S. citizen. ​

I admit that I do find some satisfaction in this since he hopes to be a citizen some day. And now he will have to go back to Square 1 and start the process all over again. He will never pay the fees nor do the paperwork by himself. 

But then again, he still not qualify since only those of "good moral character" may naturalize as citizens. He also must:

Be a person ... attached to the principles of the Constitution of the United States, and favorably disposed toward the good order and happiness of the United States.

Lesson learned: I am lucky that today my citizenship is intact and not stripped away because of my former marriage. And doubly lucky that I am legally allowed to resume my birth name and individual identity without that man dragging me down anymore. TOWANDA!

PS I know that I did not even touch on the crazy racist Chinese Exclusion Acts or the conditions of Native Americans in the 19th C--but I promise to in the future!

Because He Lives

Because He Lives, I can be whole again!

#BecauseHeLives

A couple of events have happened for me this past week that I see as the Lord's tender mercies as I continually seek healing and strength to go forward with my life.

On Tuesday night I went with some friends to see the movie, Risen. It stars Cliff Curtis and Joseph Fiennes. The film tells the story of Christ's death and

resurrection through the experience of a Roman, non-believer, Clavius. I did not know much about the movie before I saw it and was pleasantly surprised by how moving it was. What struck me the most was the love Yeshua (Jesus) had for his followers and every single person he came in contact with--especially Clavius, who, as the Roman Tribune, had finalized Yeshua's death.

After the film was over, I found myself pondering and reminding myself that yes, Jesus does love everyone unconditionally. He especially wants ME to surrender to his healing grace and cast aside my burdens of grief and sin. While it may seem improbable that a feature film could strengthen my faith in Christ-- I witness that the film did so. And I believe God wanted me to see that film as part of my recovery.

Provo City Center Temple

On Saturday night I watched the Cultural Celebration for the dedication of the new Provo City Center Temple in Provo, Utah. My nephew was one of hundreds of kids performing, so I hoped to catch a glimpse of him. I didn't see him but I did feel the Spirit of the Lord so strong! It started when the youth were singing "Called to Serve." That great missionary hymn always touches my heart. And then there was a song about how God heals our broken hearts and another about how he gives us "beauty for ashes" (Isaiah 61:3). The stories of the people who felt healing from seeing the temple rise out of the ashes of the Provo Tabernacle were just like my story. I feel myself rising from the ashes of my broken dreams and being made new. God has blessed me so abundantly through this whole experience. (If you don't know the story about the Provo Tabernacle catching fire, visit  history.lds.org for more about the building).

Lastly, I was cruising LDS.org and looking for some photos and clicked the link for the new Easter messages from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. "Follow Me" --the message for children-- reminds us that He is the one Hallelujah," reminds us that when we do follow Him, we can find new life. Both messages are beautiful in their simplicity. As I listened, I felt my heart soften and heal just a little bit more. I hope that you, too, gentle reader, will find the same peace this coming Easter Week. Hallelujah!

Being Single is Better Than...

Today is my two-weekaversary of being officially divorced. It's a moment of contemplation about the past and future. While I cannot change the past, I can actively build the life and future I want for myself. And just as I felt in the summer of 2007, before meeting the X, life is good and I am very blessed. 

List of my blessings:

*amazing mother who is my BFF

*wonderful sisters who are also my best friends

*the most adorable nieces and nephews in the universe!

*safe place to live and good neighbors

*plenty of food to eat and clothes to wear

*meaningful employment

*the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the anchor in my life

*loving and accepting ward family

*peace in my heart and clarity of thought

*a bed all to myself with no one stealing my pillows or blankets :)

I could go on and on. But yes, being single is better than being unequally yoked to a narcissistic man-child. 

Future plans:

*finish dissertation and being Dr. Larisa

*travel abroad to visit friends in Norway, New Zealand, and Canada

*spoil nieces and nephews

*take care of parents

*compile family histories

*do lots sewing projects and especially, learn how to quilt like a pro

*serve another full-time mission

That's just a few of the options that are before me. And I could do all of them alone or with a partner. Either way, I am NEVER going to let someone abuse me like the X did! NEVER EVER!

Tuwanda.

"She unsilences the silenced."

Another tender mercy as I grab onto hope and search for healing. 

Eliza R. Snow

I just read this insightful article by Andrea G. Radke-Moss written in response to her paper about women in the Mormon-Missouri War of 1838. In her presentation, she shared well-researched information that Eliza R. Snow was raped by mobbers in Missouri. Apparently, there has been quite a brouhaha about it all, which you can read about on the Juvenile Instructor blog.

My comment on the blog was "Thanks for filling in this gap in our history." I have always wondered what happened to the women during all the mobbings and persecutions. There has been silence about this particular type of violence. We have seen graphic depictions of the massacre at Haun's Mill with men, women, and children shot like fish in a barrel. Doesn't the sexual violence women like Eliza R. Snow suffer merit equal treatment? YES!

We need to get over our fears about discussing subjects that make us uncomfortable. Elder Ballard recently gave a CES presentation in which he said we must become familiar with our past and not hide our heads in the sand. We must especially help today's young people find answers. 

The history of the LDS people is not just one story; it is many stories and those about violence need to be shared. By naming evil we reduce its power over us. 

Andrea's last paragraph succinctly presents her purpose and argument. 

"I hope that readers will consider the impact of knowing Eliza’s status as a rape victim.  I worried, even agonized over revealing this brutal part of her past, that those who cherish her memory would consider her identity somehow changed by this. I am mindful of those who think I was wrong to reveal this at all, but I stand by what I did. If we seek to conceal this crime against her out of some kind of protective impulse, I believe that we are perpetuating the idea that rape brings shame to its victims.  What are your thoughts on this, readers?  I do think Eliza would want to be remembered for the wholeness of her amazing life, her poetry and hymns, her Relief Society leadership, her role in significant Restoration and pioneering events, and her contributions to Mormon women then and today.  Her story humanizes and feminizes an event that has always been told as a story of male war, male imprisonment, and male victimhood.  She unsilences the silenced.  And yet, her victimhood does not and will not define her, but this new knowledge has the potential to bring hope and healing to other victims of sexual violence among our Church membership and others, for whom Eliza provides an emulative model of strength, hope, faith, and resilience.  Whether as a historian or a Mormon woman, that is my main purpose in sharing Eliza’s story." (Emphasis added)

My respect for Eliza R. Snow has only grown from learning about her suffering. My own problems seem small in comparison to hers and yet I can identify. I, too, am childless. I, too, have been a victim of sexual violence. And I, too, will no longer be silent nor be a victim. 

Image source: https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/eliza-r-snow-194842?lang=eng

My mother was right

In the summer of 2014 I was visiting my family.  The X had moved out a few weeks before and I was still shell-shocked.

I tearfully told my mother, "I just don't understand why he doesn't love me!" My mother looked me full in the face, smacked her hand on the table where we were sitting and said, "Larisa, your husband is crazy!" Her emphatic response startled me into realizing she was right.

I had been totally faithful to my marriage covenants, taken care of him, worked and supported us while doing my PhD, paid for his immigration fees from cashing out a small pension, and taken on debt for his truck and trailer.

What did I get in return? Constant emotional abuse--indifference, the silent treatment, and open hostility. Add to that inability to hold down a job and overspending; plus (my favorite) flirting with, dating, and screwing other women (especially ones who are already married to someone else).

And of course, it was all my fault because I refused to turn myself into a Barbie doll.  Even worse, he told our friends that I didn't want children and spent all "his" money.

Rewind to the first few months of our marriage and a humiliating visit to a couple's therapist: the X tells the therapist that he's not attracted to me because of my weight. Then he tells the therapist he was first interested in me because he thought I was pretty. (He was always giving me conflicting messages like this.)

I cried all the way home, and wondered what was wrong with me? The answer: NOTHING.

Fast forward to February 2014 and we were in Hawaii. I had a job interview and he came along. When I asked him why he was cheating on me, he said I was "boring" and marriage is "boring." I was stunned--we were in Hawaii and might move there! He was the one who never wanted to go out and always wanted to just watch TV or sleep.

Needless to say, that trip really helped me see him for what he is-- a sociopath who uses up women until he has taken all their money and self respect. It took me a long time to realize this because he is so charming.

But naming his disorder brings it into the light and helps me heal from the darkness that he enveloped me in. I have broken the chains of his evil and the scars left by the manacles are healing.

More here: Profile of the Sociopath.